My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.