*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
HOW DARE YOU
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal