*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Thursday Thought.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
🌱🌱🌱
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.