Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Wait a minute
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.