They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.