When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
why I oughta
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
is this a warning or an offer?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Lol.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”