I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“i am a sweet baby”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.