Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break