The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Good morning
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”