her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The internet is full of many things
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
#damn
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.