Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.