She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
meanwhile over on facebook