I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
A drum solo but on your face.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.