Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
This headline is a thing of beauty
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.