Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area