It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.