My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?