House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane