i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You Might Also Like
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
my mom making me talk to relatives
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.