Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.