If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If a snake ate a cake
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason