Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”