I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.