ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist