GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.