If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.