I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want