Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is