Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
WHO DID THIS?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care