I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them