I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
😂 amazing answer
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.