I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
You Might Also Like
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that鈥檚 literally trying to beat rock with scissors
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The reason Batman doesn鈥檛 cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he鈥檚 white
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
馃帀Made my last car payment 馃帀
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn鈥檛 really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
We鈥檙e all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime