Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You Might Also Like
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Why is no one talking about this?!
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws