the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You Might Also Like
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍