Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own