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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.