talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.