Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?