Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.