I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]