[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Netflix and you sit over there.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)