[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: