Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭