The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”