Oh deer
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Camping tip: No.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus