If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
You Might Also Like
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?