A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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We all have our pet causes.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*