After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
no one likes gloating
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.