Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.