I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me recordaron éste meme
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!